Dumbest – Slashed, Steeling his Knife!
If you are a regular reader of my blogs, you will hopefully recall the title “Dumbest Thief Ever”, which was about a nutter going into a butcher’s shop armed with a knife, with the intention of emptying the till of the day’s takings. Now as everyone in the shop had ready access to knives; it was not the smartest move in the world I hope you agree!
This blog however turns its attention to the Dumbest employee
Running the business while the Boss was away for a few days, I was busy working away at the block, when I heard a loud cry of pain from the back shop. Going into investigate, I witnessed a sight of horror; Brian (Not his real name), was standing holding the side of his head, blood pouring down his arm onto his clean white coat. Going into a state of shock, I managed to ask him where all the blood was coming from as I lifted his hand away from his face. Thinking he had sliced away part of his arm while Steeling his Knife, I wiped away the blood from his claret-stained hand, however not seeing any obvious cuts, I looked back up to witness that his earlobe was hanging off with a very large gash on his right ear still pumping out blood…!
To prevent any further spillage of Brian’s life juice, I grabbed a roll of muslin cloth we used for cleaning, and placed it hard onto Brian’s head wound, at the same time shouting for one of the other lads -Tony, (not his real name either) to come into the back shop and give me a hand….
While attending to Brian’s trauma, suddenly there was a large ”Bang, crash, wallop!” behind me.. ”What the “F&*^ was that,?” I thought as I turned round.. ..It was Tony!.. After seeing all the ooze coming from Brian’s head injury, he had fainted and went head first into the bone bin!… All frigging true…..
Now I had some serious crisis management to deal with here! .
I proceeded to instruct the last remaining butcher to shut the shop and ask one of the girls from the local chemist to come in and help us with this scene -Steeling his Knife – that would have not have looked out of place in the movie – Saving Private Ryan!
With Brian temporary patched up, and before I could get further help, I knelt down and put Tony into the recovery position and assured myself he was not dying on me.. A sort of triage situation! (he was also nursing a head wound, cut by a pork bone that was in the bin)
Returning to Brian, I asked him the obvious and burning question with my broad exasperated Glaswegian accent, “How the f”%k did you manage to slash your ear like that?”..
Now I am not sure if I went into shock at this point or just morbid fascination set in, but before I could stop him, he arose from his seat, lifted a steel and steak knife that he had used earlier, and proceeded to show me how he held the knife at a high angle and let it crash down onto the steel, however, he had aimed just too high, missed the steel and hit his ear instead!.. Quickly coming to my senses, I grabbed the knife from his death-defying demonstration, as this time, it was nearly his jugular he chopped!
After tying the muslin cloth around his head, we called a taxi to take him to the local Victoria Infirmary, and around 4 hours later he duly came back to the shop looking like Ali Baba minus the forty thieves; head and ear, totally covered in one huge white nappy!.
He had to get 14 stitches inserted into his ear, but he seemed more upset about the tetanus shot he had to get in the ass, which he said was still “hurting like hell!”
In those days, I was, and still am, big on health and safety, so he was duly ordered home, and another taxi was called to take him to his billet. And after the day that had just taken place, I just couldn’t be arsed answering all the “What happened to him?” questions. Who would believe me?
And what about Tony, who fainted into the bone-bin? … He was attended by the girl Tracy from the chemist with some butterfly stitches, iodine, and some heavy ribbing!. He was forever teased as “The butcher who faints at the sight of blood!”.